*The information
that follows is directly from PETA's website.*
The following product is made from animal:
"Alcloxa.
(See Allantoin.)
Allantoin.
Uric acid from cows, most mammals. Also in many plants (especially
comfrey). In cosmetics (especially creams and lotions) and used
in treatment of wounds and ulcers. Derivatives: Alcloxa, Aldioxa.
Alternatives: extract of comfrey root, synthetics."
According to PETA, this is an animal-friendly company. "Those marked with a dot (·) meet the Corporate Standard of Compassion for Animals (CSCA). Those marked with an asterisk (*) manufacture strictly vegan products:
"Abkit, Inc. (CamoCare), 207 E. 94th St., Suite 201, New York, NY 10128;1-800-CAMOCARE"
As you know, the IPS is dedicated to bringing attention to charitable organizations everywhere.
This Month's:
People for the
Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA)
501 Front Street
Northfield, VA 23510
You probably already know that the IPS is a PETA supporter. This organization devotes itself to protecting all animals from cruel treatment. Though the IPS's stand on animal abuse may not be as radical as PETA's, we do have the same basic theories.
In light of this
month's devotion to PETA, I decided to include excerpts from my
"Investigations & Rescue Fund" newsletter:
*This article is from "Investigations & Rescue Fund"
newsletter that PETA sends out on a monthly basis. RIR-8LU.*
"One disturbing example of this high-handed attitude is the systematic, mass killing of American coots, birds who are supposed to be protected under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act..."
"Because of diminishing options available to them, they often try to make their homes on golf courses or in landscaped housing developments...every year, more than 100 golf courses, homeowners associations, and municipalities in [CA] apply...for special `kill permits'..."
"PETA eyewitnesses have seen coots horribly injured by gunfire, dragging themselves around on broken wings and legs...Poisoned coots convulse and writhe in pain as they suffer long, excruciatingly painful deaths. [These killings are] actually a violation of the permits issued by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service."
If you would like to voice your opposition, send a letter to:
Paul Schmidt,
Chief
Office of Migratory Bird Management
U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service
Department of the Interior
Washington, DC 20240
This space will educate you in the ongoing fight for a Free Tibet. Information is taken directly from the ICT website, which you should visit, if possible (http://www.savetibet.org).
"Overview of Tibet and the Tibetan Movement
"Almost a half a century ago, Chinese troops invaded Tibet, bringing to a sudden and violent end Tibet's centuries old isolation beyond the Himalaya's. Tibet's unique brand of Buddhism formed the core of Tibetan culture and society, a radical contrast to the atheistic and materialist dogma of the Chinese communists.
"In the wake of the invasion, the Dalai Lama, Tibet's spiritual and temporal leader, and nearly 100,000 Tibetans fled into exile in India. In the years after, Tibet's remarkable culture, and its inhabitants, have been systematically persecuted. Alexander Solzhenitsyn described China's rule in Tibet as 'more brutal and inhuman than any other communist regime in the world.'"
The following episode of a t.v. show is worth taping:
Friends, the 1999 New Year's episode. I have the entire Ross/Leather pants thing recorded. I laughed my ass off the first time I saw it, and still laugh that hard every time I watch it. This one also has Joey being scared by a chicken, Phoebe's aspiration to fly a plane, and Rachael finding out about Chandler and Monica. It's one of the best episodes they've made, so even if you're not a Friends fan, you'll like this episode.
Sally suggested that I give you the source of the previous month's lines so here goes. Last month's quote was from Conan O'Brien, Late Night With Conan O'Brien. First one to guess the source of this month's line wins a prize!
"You're name's not Sally. No. Sally the Salad Eater. You're a highlights man."
It's poetry time baby--pronounced a la Conan O'Brien, babeh. So sit back and enjoy some solid vibes. *Sound of fingers snapping*
"Monsters I've Met"
I met a ghost, but
he didn't want my head,
He only wanted to know the way to Denver.
I met a devil, but he didn't want my soul,
He only wanted to borrow my bike awhile.
I met a vampire, but he didn't want my blood, He only wanted two
nickels for a dime.
I keep meeting all the right people-
At all the wrong times."
Silverstien, Shel. A Light in the Attic. New York, New York: Harper & Row, Publishers, 1981.
Thanks to Stephanie, Shadow, and Sally, I can give you guys some more trivia. This doesn't mean I want you guys to quit sending it in though! This month:
When they make wax statues of people, they use actual human hair. After it is sewn into the scalp, the hair is stronger than the hair on a real person's head.
The following article
is a paraphrase of:
Telephone interview with Mrs. Arthur Figlock, Harper Wood, Michigan.
"A Bouncing Baby". Mysteries of the Unexplained.
Pleasantville, New York: The Reader's Digest Associated, Incorporated,
1982.
Now then, imagine some ominous mystery music in the background.
"Joseph Finglock was walking down a street in Detroit in the 1930's when a baby fell on him from a high window. A year later the same baby fell on him again from the same window. Figlock and baby both survived."
"Great Beyond" or whatever that new R.E.M. song is from Man on the Moon. It's so pretty and it sounds like an absurd love song or something, but when you realize that it's about Andy Kaufman, you go, "Oh, that's so cool." As you probably know, R.E.M. is one of the IPS's most-supported bands and that's because they got good music, they support good causes, and they're some of the most rockinest musicians ever. God, when they did this song in concert, it sent chills up and down my spine. Of course, the entire concert did that. That was the best concert I had ever been to and I hope all of you get to experience R.E.M. in all of their live musical glory someday. Maybe we can arrange an IPS field trip when they tour again...
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Who Knows Movies?
The Shadow Knows......
In honor of the Oscars, I'm handing out my own OMEGASCARS....to
the moments during the year which were far superior to my normal,
everyday theater-going experience.
Best Movie of
the Year: American
Beauty. Well duh.
Worst Movie
of the Year:
Eyes Wide Shut. I was sitting in the theater on midnight
on my eighteenth birthday watching that thing. Whatta waste. Kubrick
could have done better.
Movie I Saw
Too Many Times:
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (5 times) (including my opening-night
campout)(I already know I'm a loser)--Aside from Charlotte: Dude,
you're so lucky. I couldn't camp out here because I had AP tests
to cram for and also I'm a big hygiene freak and I have asthma
and it was really hot on May 19 so I would've died. But what a
way to go man-- Runners Up: American Beauty, Fight Club,
Blair Witch Project, The Matrix
Best Performance
by Someone Attending a Movie With Me: My ex-boyfriend latching onto me at the
'Star Wars-Episode 1' campout, buying me drinks, asking
to sit next to me, then saying "what? No, I'm not hitting
on you. You're crazy.' Bite me.
Best Post-Movie
Reaction: When
I left The Matrix with my friend Susan, and we were basically
recreating the kung-fu scene in the parking lot and quoting lines
from the movie like complete losers. That was fun.
Best Smartass
Comment Made in a Movie Theater:
Okay, it was a full theater of people who had been waiting for
a full 24 hours to see 'The Phantom Menace'. We were giddy,
hopped up on caffeine, and didn't want to sit through an 'Inspector
Gadget' preview. So I applaud the gentleman (I think it was
#45) who yelled "Go Go Star Wars Movie!" in an
inimitably sarcastic way.
Scariest Movie
Experience:
Going to see American Beauty on the same day that Pokemon
opened. Having to wade through a sea of hyperactive seven year
olds just so I could see Kevin Spacey strip. I mean really. That
was surreal.
Most Ironically
Creepy Thing that Happened Before a Movie: I went to see Fight Club with my
friend Josh and when we walked into the theater ten minutes early,
immediately the screen filled with three words: JESUS IS WORTHY.
I turned around and walked out and couldn't stop laughing. Neither
could Josh. Come to find out it was a paid advertisement for a
local church. I still think it was a cheap shot at me.--Aside
by Charlotte: Right after I saw The Matrix, which I did
on video because nobody would go to see The Matrix w/me
but anyway, I got online and the computer was doing all of this
funkdafied stuff and I was like, "Whoa."--
Worst Crap Allen
Pulled This Year:
Allen: "Hey, let's go see Tarzan."
Me: "Okay."
Allen: "All right, let's go."
So we drive to the theater....
Allen: "Oh, by the way, I don't have any money. *big stupid
grin* "
Allen you turd.
*Altered Column!*
Stuff That Rules:
I have decided that I am just too cool and must have an area where I can rave on a book, movie, or whatever I think is cool at the moment.
Man on the Moon was one of the best movies I've ever seen and I'm certain most of you would enjoy it. Before it, I thought Kevin Spacimuth should get the Oscar, but now I'm thinking Jim Carey. They might put them in different categories though, in which case both should walk away with a little golden man. Jim Carey is unbelievable in this part, in a good way. He just blows your mind! After a few minutes, you really do forget it's not Andy Kaufman. I mean, I realized it was Jim Carey, but it was like I thought Jim Carey was one of Andy's characters or something; I dunno, hard to explain. It's just very entertaining and now I can't hear those two R.E.M. songs without crying. I'm so sappy :P
Send your problems to BPM and see your troubles disappear!
"Dear BPM,
My boyfriend wants to go all the way, but I don't think I'm ready
yet. What do I do?
--Thelma"
Dear Thelma,
I know having your virginity is important to a girl and you only
have it once, plus it's a sin in god's eyes, but you have to think about it. DO YOU WANT TO BE POPULAR?!?!?! Nowadays, girls are supposed
to put out to survive in this awesome world of ours. Sometimes
guys have to do it too. How do you think I got this job, definitely
not for my journalistic skills. I had to seduce people for this
job. Just imagine your boyfriend as your boss, or better yet,
a stepping stone to more popular guys. Now you go out there and
you be the best damn little whore there ever was.
"Dear BPM,
I have a growth on my elbow. It might be nothing, but I'm afraid
of doctors. I also don't want it to get worse. Do you know how
to tell if it's harmful?
--Louise"
Dear Louise,
As a pre-med student at Baylor, who is currently under the influence
of several drugs, I suggest that you--ohhhhhhhhh my god there
is a giant insect on my back!!!!!! Get it off me!!!!!!! No, you
people are against me!! back the fuck away from me!!! This ant
is biting me and stealing my blood!!!!! I'm a good boy. I'm a
good. I'm a good boy!!!! So I hope you feel better and that my
advice helps you out!
*Coming Soon*
Dude and Chick of the Month:
Kay, Sally suggested that every month I profile a good dude or some chick that you fellas like. I think it would be nice if you would send in nominations, y'know, like, send in the name of the famous person you want profiled here and why you like him or her. This means I need your input by February 27, 2000 so that I may, ahem, "edit" the content :P
Alright, the wait is over and the whoriscopes are in. We have whoroscopes for everybody, and additional info for the birthday kids.. Happy birthday...
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) - The Indian behind the
table will try to sell you foodstamps, but they'll only enable
you to buy clothes. Beware of the chimp that advocates fashion
fraud.
Famous Capricorns - Dave Matthews (1/9/67), Julianne Moore (12/30/60),
Janis Joplin (1/19/43), J.D. Salinger (1/1/19), & Isaac Newton
(1/4/1643)
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) - Sugar cookies crave you,
but you must follow the ghost with red hair deep into the trailer
park to find true love. Rock-n-roll baby!
Famous Aquarians - Ed Burns (1/29/68), Charles Darwin (2/12/08),
Virginia Woolf (1/25/1882), Lord Byron (1/22/1788), & Wolfgang
Mozart (1/27/1766)
Pisces (2/19-3/20) - The fairy living in your car will secrete a certain glow this month that you'll find totally irresistible. Enslave the allurement; make it work for you.
Aries (3/21-4/19) - The aliens that will land in your cereal this month can dance but can't walk a straight line; teach them how and the pigs will reward you.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) - The diseased dope lady will successfully scare the daylights out of you and flash her toothless smile. Take your twirling broom and go inside.
Gemini (5/21-6/20) - When all the world seems like a crypt and all your friends are playing dead, don't feel guilty if you soothe the loneliness by spending more time with the imaginary ones.
Cancer (6/21-7/22) - Around the 17th the Tin Woman will take a piss on your cotton candy cloud, therefore, pouring you onto the *Candy Cane Bridge*. Around the 22nd, you'll take a flying leap out of there and fall into the boat of your best friend. Then you two will sail off to rent a video. I recommend slurpees as well.
Leo (7/23-8/22) - The snake with the golden heart will disintegrate into what it really is--*nothing.* Treat the glass girl in your closet right this month; she's the *real* star.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) - I recommend you watch a sunset or two this month--it'll thaw that ice pack you carry in your mouth. You're not the demonic creature everyone might think you are. Be careful to not choke on the ladybug.
Libra (9/23-10/22) - The crooked man might have walked a crooked mile, but he lived in a straight house. On the 15th, the dough in your chilly oven will rise.
Scorpio (1023-11/21) - The dogs will be amazed by your brilliance. Befriend the cool cat in the Beetle. Negligent goons aren't worth your time, but they love you.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) - A jeweler tries to peel away your diamond sparkle. Let her know it's soldered on and is yours forever. Venture to find some security and kill your delusional twin.
email:
Leave us comments, suggestions, and replies to contests. Let us know if you'd like a monthly column of some sort. We love member involvement at the IPS!
Thank you to everyone who participated in the Golden Globes survey/contest!
Also, everyone should send thanks and praise galore to Sally. Sally, busy little bee that she is, donates 3 columns a month to the newsletters as well as suggestions galore.
Thanks also to BPM who gives much-needed advice to Pectinites on a monthly basis.
Last month, we had the honor of gaining four new members: Allexxis Rottingbird, Al, TJ, and Priestess Ashkta (aka Noel, Emma...) Welcome guys!
If you have your newsletter mailed to you, remember to send in your yearly fee of $1 to lighten the burden of printing and shipping. I swear I would never try to milk you for money, but all of this stuff comes out of my own pocket, so be a sport and send in your fee ASAP!
Don't forget that if you know somebody worthy of joining the IPS, let us know and we'll set them up with an application and stuff.
I hope you enjoyed this special Valentine's Day edition of the IPS newsletter--you can tell it's special 'cause everything is in pink and red, for the people who get print copies of this anyway. I realize that Valentine's Day is possibly the worst holiday of the year, but think of all the candy...Mmm, chocolate hearts in Elvis tins...
You may have noticed that Pectin Product of the Month is no longer with us. This is because I never got any input from you guys so, bye bye Product of the Month. I'm not bitching, it's just that I'm not Super Woman and I can only do so much without your help.
In related news, we decided not to do the Soap Opera updates because they're quite difficult and I don't think any of you really watch them. If you would like to see the column added though, let me know and we'll see what we can do.
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